Lymphedema

I have lymphedema which means my arm swells up which means I had a mastectomy which means I had breast cancer which means my luck hasn't been all that good. I hate this. But, in order to keep my arm from blowing up like a float in a parade, I go to physical therapy and have it massaged in a very weird way, have it bandaged until my arm feels like it will fall off and just wait for all the comments from people. I fully expect sometime soon that a person will come up to me, sniff me and begin licking my arm. That is what my dogs do: sniff and lick, sniff and lick. All the information they need about anything is solved by these two actions. Ok, so, the last few years have sucked so much. My husband died almost a year ago. And, I am a bobber, bobbing along in the ocean of life.... not fully aware of where I will end up. I have two kids, four pets, several employees, lots of clients. I never claim any of them as 'mine', though. It's just that they are 'there' and I have varying degrees of responsibility for them. I have enough responsibility that if I were to abandon any of them, I am certain I would burn in hell.

And so, on the occasion of my husband's death, I died some, too. A part of me died with him.... I hate that cliche, but have to explain what it means to anyone that doesn't know. It's not this elusive 'part' of me that died with him; it's the part of him that I carried around in my head, with me daily. Decisions and observations and interactions all filtered through him, in my head, or in my heart, or in my bed, or in our house, or checkbook, whatever... everything of life for me went though him. And, the result was a completely different way of looking at the world. And, a completely different person than I am now. So I lost that version of me. I am surprised at how big that was for me. I am surprised that that version 1.0 for me, or whatever is being replaced with a model that might run faster and may have more bells and whistles. I tend to like the traditional models, though, the ones I 'grew up' with.

My kids are living life without anyone else in their head and heart. I know that their dad is in there with them, but, not in the same way. I like watching my kids living life without that filter. And, I hope that they will choose those that help them to be more enhanced versions of themselves, but will never replace who they were. That was my mistake, replacing me with a different model of Us. I find myself now reminding me that I didn't die and don't have to look, act, smell, walk, sleep, whatever, like I am dead. He can handle dead on his own. I don't need to be dead with him, in order to find a way to unify. I got really sick sick sick of wanting to point out something, that gave me a spark of happiness or a moment of actual joy, like wow! look at that amazing tree! or, "Wow, wasn't that an amazing sky!" or, whatever... he lacked the capacity to find joy or seek it. He was in this grey neutral zone that really sucked. My 'joy' was the part that was out of whack. So, I'd twinge it down, keep a lid on that happiness I might be feeling....