Soft, hard, soft, hard. Soft, hard. I need that, however that manifests itself. The hard and soft of things, in one sitting. I need to feel the difference, and not just one, but both. The hardness, I got. The hardness of a bed made for two that only has one, the appetite for one, that is big enough for 2.
I lost the softness of him and am just now remembering it. For months now, I have felt the loss of the hardness of him, and how sometimes, it was a relief not to feel the hardness, of his mood, his body, his cough, his voice. Now, I miss the softness. The softness of his kiss, of his caress, of his eye lashes, of his warm chest. I would melt, or soften myself, when feelings his. I haven't kissed now in a year and a half. I don't even know how anymore.
How far off course did he get that he forgot his way? Wouldn't the memory of a kiss or a hug or a pillow or the sound of someone calling his name, wouldn't that be enough to steer him back on course? Dammit. That is hard.
I finally, finally, finally have some time without kids. I know someday I'll miss the noise, but for now, I need the softness of quiet. Concerts and movies, and friends, and loads of laundry and hands waiting for money, or food, or whatever..... god, it just gets to wearing me down. I'm glad they are off having fun and I am alone with the dogs and the cats and the rain.
Had another donut run the other night... this time, I didn't get a donut, they were gone gone gone with kids and their sleep overs. I guess that is good. I remember what a donut tasted like. No biggie.
Do I abandon this job and look for another? Or, bigger question, (thanks O magazine)... have I ever abandoned anything? Maybe I should just to do it, and be like a regular person that abandons things. That is the question to ponder... do I know how to walk away, from anything? Anyone?
3 comments:
Your last pargraph in this blog is reading my heart.
So, Kevin, how in the heck do we walk away?
I have no clue, for me it has only been 4 months. sometimes it seems like weeks. But other times it is like wow only 4 months it seems like years. I want to walk away (start over). When I really think about it, making the steps that really mean start over, Cleaning out the closets, removing her things from our (or I guess when I do it, will then be my house). I still wear my wedding band too. I have taken it off a couple of times, feel naked and alone without it, put it back on. So I think my first step will be taking off my wedding band and abandoning my marriage. That makes me feel really sad guilty putting it that way.
A kinda funny thing here, I don't get O Magizine anymore, when my wife was sick and did not feel like reading, I did abandon that, But it was with her blessing. So I guess I don't get credit for abonding that.
Anyway back to the walk away thing Everone tells me and I am sure you have heard it said in some manner or other. "you will know when it is right, or it takes time or even everone is different whatever you do is ok" So I guess I have no clue how to walk away. Please if you figure it out let me know.
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