What if?

What if the best way to stay connected to the ones we love, who have died, was to live life fully, to be joyful? Gordon always talked about how he believed we were 'eternal soulmates'. He was always very thoughtful when he said that, and I just thought he was being sappy, which he could be quite often. But, what if.... the way in which we stay connected, is for us both, to be happy? What if, Gordon's happiness was connected to mine? What if..... I was unhappy, wouldn't that make HIM unhappy, too? What if, this almost physical pain I feel, of mourning him of missing him, of feeling so so sad, was actually affecting him? What if.... he still WAS connected to me? Is this possible? How could it not be?

When someone stops long enough to listen to the answer to their question, 'how are you doing?' when they stop long enough for me to explain, I explain that it feels as though I have lost the biggest body part ever. Losing a breast, that was really hard. But, losing my Gordon, and, he belonged to ME, and I belonged to HIM, losing him is as if I've been sawed in half. Sometimes, I justify it as if I have lost a malfunctioning body part, and, 'good riddance'. But, that is a big old lie. Good riddance feels awful, feels like a big lie feels like words that never belonged to me. Good riddance? Exploring the love I have for Gordon is, day by day, making me more fully a person. I never knew how much I loved him. Good lord, I have layers and layers to go. But, this is a good layer. This one, that I discovered tonight while taking a shower, this layer means something. What if..... his eternity was waiting on, me living life fully? Maybe I'm nuts. Heck, maybe we BOTH were nuts. But, I suspect that this is supposed to be happening to me.

I fully believe that this feeling is a feeling I am supposed to have. This is a message, from God, through Gordon.... I believe that when I die, I'll be reunited with Gordon. And, we will be eternal soulmates. We went through too much not to be. And, try as I might, complaining to friends about his illness, trying to justify those days as 'dark days', it never feels right. I'm left feeling like a liar, because that is what I am.

This feeling is true. Gordon needs me to find happiness. And, I gotta bail on the very shallow notion that happiness would be finding another spouse. Whatever, that really seems like buying a big old house that needs a lot of fixing up, and will just drain me. No way. I think Gordon needs me to be happy, so he can let go. What if he's hanging around here, waiting for me to knock it off and move forward?

I have to believe that the last conversation we had, which was so awful, which was of two people that were exhausted and not thinking straight, I have to believe that we're done with that now. I have to believe that we're way past that, and now, it's about us both being happy.

Maybe a part of happiness will involve another man? But, I know for sure, no man will ever replace my Gordon. No man will feel like a body part. No man will become a part of me. I am convinced tonight, that, my smile is his smile, just as the kids' smile, is mine, too. That is what a family is. I think Gordon wants me to be happy, he even needs me to be.

I remember that this was the case when he was alive, too. I am sure this is all signs of a codependent relationahip, but, I also believe that it's the sign of a love that is very very strong. If he'd laugh, if he smiled, whoa, my heart was full and happy. His illness, his tortured soul, was torturing all of us and he hated that. He didn't want that to happen. He didn't want his kids and his wife to be afraid of him. I am sure of this, and I know that the man he became was a man he despised.

I loved him and realized tonight, I love him and always will, as we are eternal soulmates. THAT is the kind of love we have. I'm gonna get up tomorrow and have a wonderful day, for the both of us.