Should I buy a new Christmas tree? The one we had fell apart. I tossed it last year and bought this ugly, puny fake thing. I tried to make it look good, but, it doesn't. It looks crappy. Do I wanna buy a new one? With cats, it's hard. They climb the tree.
I am jumpy today. Don't know why. Feel like the odd one out Feel as though I am living a life no one understands. I just want to yell , 'if you only knew how hard it is, to do the most basic things!'
Kids are busy with friends. That is great. They need them. I am glad they have all the friends they do. I need more friends. I need friends that I can really talk to. I need friends I can connect with. I miss him so much. He was my best friend. But, it's like chewing a piece of gum all day long: it's lost the flavor. The flavor is all gone, and I just need to spit it out. But, it's a habit and I keep on chewing.
Sorting through pictures. Who was this family? I see things were so different. I had more energy then, was not as heavy.... Gordon looked ok, but he was unravelling. Why did I look at those pictures? What was the point? It just hurt.
I need to take more pictures. It's as if we all just stopped living when he died. We have no pictures of us, just hanging out. We still hang out. But, we look battle worn. I don't want that to show.
I'm just treading water. I'm ready to do something, but don't know what that will be.
5 comments:
Sounds like you are having a tough day. I know what you mean about friends. You are with someone grow apart from many.
I have thought a lot about this, I have know idea where to meet new friends, I think new ones are what I need, to be able to go on from what I have been through. The ones I have are ok but I think I need the newness, the getting to know someone new. Good luck in finding your new friends, the world is full of good people (I am sure there are many near you) that can be your friends, we just have to find em. blessings to you kevin
"I am jumpy today. Don't know why. Feel like the odd one out Feel as though I am living a life no one understands. I just want to yell , 'if you only knew how hard it is, to do the most basic things!'"
I read your blog real quick today at work (on a break)left the above message Came home tonight and was looking for things to read and searching the world wide web. i looked at your blog again. I want you to know that I read the quote you put in your blog, listed above and felt to my bones what you are feeling. I am not that way every day, but often I am. I don't know if you can function well enough that no one really knows whats you are going through (I can). Me I feel like you said about treading water and almost drowning and not yelling out, and wondering why no one is noticing. I think how can I hurt like this and the person I look at does not even look concerned. Anyway that quote is very insightful and very deep. Not everyone can put their feelings down that well. Hope tomorrow is a better day for you. Blessings to you kevin
Hi Kevin:
Feel like I know ya. I am glad that you understand, as no one else does. I look around and wonder how on earth other people don't notice how hard it is, to just do the usual, grocery shop, work, pay bills, smile, stop and go, stop and go when we are supposed to. It is such a job for me to get up, in the shower, dressed, makeup in the car and off to work. I am always pleasantly surprised that I can do this. And, once I'm on the road, I'll think, 'ok, good job, Rose, you did it'. I've had some good days since this post. I have no expectations about Thanksgiving. Just gonna do it. That's all I can do.
What are your plans for the holidays? If it means anything, I understand how you are hurting. I am reading and reading and reading these days. Such a comfort, a good book, don't you think? I hope you have a restful holiday. I know it will be tough. The first ones really stink. But, as god is my witness, the second year, it's better. Not nearly the sting that the first had.
Peace,
Rose
I feel like a know more about you than most people I know. I think it is kind of strange though, being able to feel like you know someone when you have just read things they wrote down. I don't seem to get to know people very well right now, I think I hold back.
For Thanksgiving I am eating at Susie's parents, they are great people and really care about me. My family seems to get more and more farther apart and each is going there own way. Strange how I had not noticed this while Susie was here. But I think back and yep we had fewer and fewer family getting together for thanksgiving. So I will remember Susie this thanksgiving and also remember the way thanksgiving use to be when I was a kid. Hope your thanksging day exceeds your expetations :0) take care kevin
Hi Kevin:
I hope you had a nice thanksgiving. I am sure it was difficult. The first ones are. This year, it went really well for us; I made most of the dinner and had my family here at the house. I was able to spend a lot of time with my dad, visiting, and that was nice. I don't spend enough time with him, and it was sure nice to visit with him.
We still haven't had any snow here in Kansas. What a weird year this has been, weather-wise. I went and got stuff for trimming a tree and will do that this weekend, too.
So glad you spent the day with Susie's family. I am sure that was a comfort for all of you.
Well, back to decorating. I feel like I know you, too. Hang in there.
Rose
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