So, what is it? Is it being my own person, sticking up for myself not compromising, spending time being a fair and hardworking supervisor, warm and caring mom, etc.etc., or, do I do whatever it takes to get a man? I've come to the realization that at least for now, I can't do both. It's an either or. Either I work hard to look the way a man would find appealing, do what it takes to make myself be what a man would find attractive.... or, I can be who I am right now. It just doesn't seem to be possible to do both.
I defined myself through Gordon. I was a wife and mother, and to some extent, I'm finding that being those two things were the end all and be all. But, now, I'm a mom. Now, I'm a breadwinner, a head of household, a supervisor. There is nothing all that 'soft' about me these days. I have to be hard and stick to my guns...
will I ever be both? Can a woman be both? What does it take to be both? Whatever it is, I don't have it.
I just don't have it. And, even more, I don't think I am ready for it, Not yet.
2 comments:
Been there done that. I struggled a lot with trying to be the dad and the mom and one day my daughter and I were going through a Life Training School at our church. God showed me that he was going to be the Father to the Fatherless and I could just be the mom. At that point my daughter walked up from the back of the church and was held in the arms of one of the elders, a man, who held her for the longest time as she weeped for her dad. I was frozen in my seat, weeping, seeing God give my daughter a big, Dad hug through this man at the altar. Anyway, I still catch myself trying to be both, being too hard on my kids (not firm but rough) and I just back off and pray for God to intervene and be the dad like he promised.
Well, actually I was going to comment about the looking for a man thing. Been there, done that. But God has truly blessed me as I seek Him instead. I still pray that he will provide a partner again, I'm ready, but enjoying life so much I really don't know how I'll schedule that in!
Just be yourself! That is the most important thing. Don't try to be something you aren't and any person should love you no matter how you look because in the end, it is what is inside that counts.
And from your blog, I think you are a beautiful, caring person.
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