A dot.

The fog has lifted. Warning: this will not be a depressing blog entry from me. So, if that is what you are after, keep on a'goin.

I felt a little like George Bailey in It's a Wonderful Life this week. I wasnt' quite ready to jump off the bridge, but, I sure felt bad. Not suicidal. No, not even close. But, bad. Bad, bad, bad.

I put my faith in technology and second guessed myself. I thought that the numbers on the screen, generated from a computer program, were right. A computer had to be smarter than me. I was never good at math. So, if that was the balance, then, well, that was the balance. However, my gut told me that it wasn't the balance. But, again. Me and math: not so good. An accounting program and math? Fabulous.

Well, guess again. That feeling in my gut, was right. We had less money. And, for some reason, I invited others to peer into my thought process to see how I processed things. And, it wasn't right. The information was right, but the entry was in the wrong places, kind of like putting laundry away in the wrong drawers, but, the result of this snafu is famine and drought.

My heart kind of stopped when I saw that number. And, well meaning people offered to help, on their own time, to unknot the mess I'd made. Asking for help is easily the weakest thing for me. I should know how to do everything, perfectly, the first time, and the last time. Every time. Always. No problems. Ever. Perfection and nothing less.

That worked when I was 20, or, 32, or heck, maybe even 39. But, I am looking birthday #43 in the eyes, on Monday, and, I can't pull it off anymore. I can't fake it till I make it. I can't. I need post its and instructions and help lines and I need to ask questions. I need to admit I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

So, the bottom line got progressively worse over the course of the week. Lower and lower and lower. Gulp. In the process, I was picturing how everything fit together, piece by piece. In one way, I felt smarter, but the news was more and more dire. And then, the bottom line: not enough to do what needed to be done. I failed! I am a Failure! God, punish me now! I have failed all of humanity! I pictured myself living in a homeless shelter, fired from my job, the kids taken from me..... oh, wait. I remembered my mom's answer to all problems: just go to bed. I was tired, really tired and needed to sleep. My head hit that pillow last night and BAM, I was out for the count.

This morning I kind of rolled out of bed, threw on some clothes that weren't the greatest and went back to it. My 'fuck it' attitude showed. NO, I did NOT want to hear her story. Again. No, I did NOT want to help with the class. No. I just want to massage these numbers and my brain until it all makes sense. Listening to Pandora this afternoon, after my friend, Diane took me to lunch and made me laugh really hard, I found it. THE mistake. One decimal off. Just one. I suspect that is like a half an inch. And, it made the difference between 1110.00. and 110.00. Big dif, that little dot. I let Excel take it on home, let her rip and finish out all of those equations. And, the balance was not negative. The balance was positive. A positive balance.

A negative balance sucks big time. It means I've failed somewhere. A positive balance means I have not. And, for that I am proud. I found it, and fixed it. I suspect that God came in overnight and moved that decimal point. But, whatever. I found it. Might as well have been a needle in a haystack. But, it was found. Incredibly, everything began to gel again. The bat that ws hanging on the wall outside the office, well, he was still there. Big deal. It's a bat, not an ape or a python. Yes, they are furry and homely. No, they don't photograph well. No closeups needed. But, big deal. A bat flew into the church and got mixed up and stuck onto the stucco (I suspect that is why it is called stucco) and hung on for dear life. "Holy shit! Where the hell am I? A church? Oh, hell!" I know the feeling. Hold on, batman. Just wait for help to come. And, today, it did.

I let that bat hang. I turned off the lights. Let him be. Let him sleep It's gonna be ok. I could go home. Just a half an inch made that big of a difference. I don't want anything that small to affect me in such a large way. Again. A dot.