MyHarmony

So, I've been matched on line 8 or 9 times and not one of the guys wants to meet me. No, they haven't even seen my photo to get chased off. And, it's not as if I've chased them off with some crappy comment. They are matched with someone before they've even completely signed up. Women are desperate to be loved! But, I have to say, if this is what the dating world is, forget it. I don't think I want to buy off the rack, so to speak.

No energy. I have a lot I could be doing. The relay is next Friday night, and our team is not all that enthused. NO one seems all that into anything these days.

What the heck am I looking for? Who am I looking for? Could I stand to sleep with a man, roll over and see him everyday? Here's the deal: it's like imprinting. I thought about this tonight while I was running errands; Gordon was who I had imprinted on. He and I were matched from the start. And, no matter what, I wanted him and he wanted me. Doesn't matter if his legs and arms fell off. Doesn't matter if he lost his mind. I wanted him and he wanted me. We loved one another through thick and thin. And, I suspect that you can't find that on a website.

Whatever happened to fate? Whatever happened to chance? Whatever happened to anything happening, spontaneously? I want to connect to someone. I want to connect to a man who wants to connect to me. And, maybe I can't do that again.

This is the truth on who I am:

1. I sleep with the tv on, ever since I became a widow.
2. I wear makeup occasionally, not always.
3. I will read in bed as long as I want and enjoy watching CNN.
4. I love workingin the yard and mowing and raking and soaking up the sun.
5. I don't give a fig what people think of me in a bathing suit. I love being in the pool despite the fact that I have to wear a prosthesis. Screw it.
6. Sometimes, I won't wear my fake boob if I'm tired. If people are offended screw them.
7. If I had it my way, I'd have more dogs and cats and land and I'd be out in the country.
8. I think it would be cool to live downtown, too.
9. I love to sing in church.
10. I love going to comedy clubs.
11. I could care less that Angelina and Brad had a kid. Leave them alone. They seem like decent people that are in love.
12. Britney needs to kick her guy to the curb.
13. If I ever get married again, I want to have a long honeymoon.

Here's the deal, too: my oldest sister married a guy she met on the internet. I was convinced she'd end up floating in a river somewhere, in bits and pieces. She was the most sensible person I had ever known, and she did this. I think it was desperation, but, I also think she loved him, and he loved her. It was very sweet, very inspiring. I'm so glad that her last years were so happy.

And, here's the deal, too: I don't know more than a few couples that seem genuinely happy. I mean, the kind of happy that, if I asked them, they'd say, 'oh, yes, we are happy!' I see a lot of people that, if they were separated, they'd freak. Freak out completely.

So, today I spent the entire day working alone. It was great. I got a lot of stuff done and we got our printer installed. Working without a printer is hard. I am going to roll up my sleeves and really work hard.

My goal is to have things in place in the fall at the center, and have strong enrollment numbers and things in place. I feel like we are getting closer and closer. I'm committed to my kids, sometimes my pets, my job, and my house and yard. I'm also committed to my dad and sisters and nephews. I want to help one of my nephews. I love them so much.

So, there you go. This is me, right now. I miss my husband and if he returned from the dead I'd run up and hug him and then kick his ass. But, I'd love him still. I just dont know, though, if he'd love me. I'm not the same. In fact, I don't even know who that was, and who I am now.