Slow Down!

A couple of things happen in August that will probably always happen in August. My son's birthday and the rummage sale. Sam and I were driving the van to pick up yet another load of someone else's crap for the sale. No teenager wants to hang with his menopausal mom and pick up rummage. But, I need his strong back to lift the boxes. We pull in, and I can't back the van up right. He says, 'move. lemme do it. I can park this thing.' I refuse because he is just a kid, and he is my kid and this is MY van! But, after a few tries, I move and let him in. I watch him. He manueuvers this van like a pro. Uses the mirrors, moves the steering wheel the right way. I was truly impressed and truly crushed.

I was impressed this is my baby. This is my baby boy, Sam, who was born 17 years ago this week to Gordon and I. This is my baby boy who changed my life forever and made me realize that I wanted to be a mom and would kill for him if I needed to. This is my baby boy who I nursed and who I took for walks and who I painted his nursery with cows and pigs and horses. This is my baby boy who wore his older cousins hand me downs. This is my baby boy who had to wear his firefighter outfit while watching, Rescue, 911. This is my baby boy. Backing up a 10 seat van to pick up rummage.

I watch him interacting with this woman. She's charmed with him. He's a charming guy! They don't even need me there! He lifts big boxes of books with no problem and packs up the van. She's impressed. He's my baby, I want to say! He needs to be careful! I don't say.

We take off and I notice his sideburns growing, his arms filling out, and note his lower voice. I'm losing him. Pretty soon he'll be gone. I tell him to slow down! Watch where he's going! Pulling on that rein again, that is what I am doing.

I pop in a tape from a box of cassettes we found. Graceland by Paul Simon. I tell Sam that we used to play this when Sam was just a tiny baby. And, now he's 17. 17 years old.

Sam was named after my own brother, Samuel Edward. Samuel Edward was the only boy in our family. And, he was the youngest. He was doted on, or ignored, depending on how the family was doing at the same. I loved him so much. And, we lost him while I was pregnant with Sam. I nearly died of a broken heart. We all did. I can't imagine a worse time in our family. But, losing Sam was searing hot pain and I felt as though I'd arrived in hell, trying to move through the days after his death. Sam knew I was pregnant. He was the first person I told besides Gordon. And, he said, 'I know a great name for that baby!' I laughed. But, then, 3 months later, he was dead from kidney failure. I was a young bride, pregnant, and absolutely lost in grief. The only thing that kept me alive..... was my Sam. That little bump in my belly connected me to life. Gordon's love wasn't enough. In fact, I resented his love. I was lost. But, as the bump became bigger and started to beat, so did I. And, when he was born, and nearly died.... I thought that had he died at birth, I would die too. But, he made it. And, we struggled. But, we loved our new baby because he gave us life, he gave us a reason to live again.

So, this big, strapping 17 year old boy with a smart ass mouth sometimes, saved my life. I wonder if he knows that. But, he does know I want him to slow down. Just slow down. Please. So I can relish these years just a little bit more.