Too Proud and Too Free

I've got alot on my mind today; I guess the steady rain does that to me. Mopping away this morning, I was thinking about my soon-to-be adult son. An adult. I can't wrap my mind around that concept, of an adult son. He'll always just be a son. My sun/son.

I found this book today while cleaning, that looks just great for him. It's called, 'The Most Dangerous Book for Boys' or something like that. What a great idea for a book. It has a list of must-haves and I'm going to purchase the items for him, along with the book. I've been thinking about what it is I want Sam to 'get' from me. I know what I don't want him to 'get' from me. The self-doubt, the incessant worry, the tendency to put self low on the totem pole. That's not stuff I want him to 'get' from me. I also don't want him to 'get' the tendency for addiction, that he gets from his pop and that side of the family tree and from my mom and my sides. I'm of the opinion though, that there are very few trees that don't hold several apples of addiction. Every family I know has an addict or two or three nestled among lots of denial. See? This is what rain does to me. Ridiculous.

Anyway. Back to Sam. His 18th birthday is in August. I want him to have fun. I don't want him to get arrested or anything like that. I messed around with my boyfriend on my 18th birthday, in the backseat of a 1971 Nova. That's what I wanted. That's what I got. I think mom gave me an ice cream cake. My boyfriend and I got high and went to the movies and fooled around in my sister's car.

I don' know that I'll share that with Sam, though. Not yet, anyway. It's an icky thought to imagine a parent being young and wild and full of passion.

I've had on my mind recently an interesting development involving one of my daughter's friends. I keep thinking of the line in The Color Purple when Celie talks about Sophia and says something along the lines, 'folks don't like it when someone is too proud or too free'. My daughter's best friend looks like she's about 16. Despite being younger, she looks older and carries herself with confidence. Heaven forbid, a girl feels good about herself!

She has had trouble with a little gang of girls that are hassling her about her beauty. They call her a whore, a slut, a bitch, and worse. They tell her to 'watch her back'. All of these little heavy hitters are as flat as can be, too. I've talked with this girls' mom, who is also a good friend of mine. We've talked alot about what this is all about, and we figured it out: what she has is what these girls can't have: stability. She has a mom and a dad that she can rely on, to be there, when she needs them. She knows where her home is, always. Nothing can be more threatening to a young girl than a girl that feels 'too proud and too free'.

Gosh, how sad. My daughter struggles with weight and has another best friend who spends hours agonizing about her own weight, skin texture, etc. etc. Never a thought about the inside. Always the outside. And, can she rely on anything? Uh, no. Family is a bit of a mess here and there.

So, what can I 'give' my daughter and son? Stability, as best I am able. I want them to know, there is always a home to come home to. Always. I'm here for them, forever. Nothing will get in the way of that. I can feel my daughter standing up taller now and see Sam smiling. I want them to be so proud and so, so free, just like Sophia.