Too Much of This and Not Nearly Enough of That.

I've spent the last week in a big, old, thick, clumpy funk.

Yesterday, while mopping with a purpose (during my cleaning job), I just got more and more upset. No, it wasn't that dirty of a floor. Nice floor, nicer clients who own the floor. So, no, wasn't that. But, what I couldn't get out of my mind was all of the people who I work with in my social work-y job, who have so very little, who need so much and then, all of the stuff that is available, all the extra.

All the extra.

But, there is all of the need.

I was thinking about how, when you run out of gas, you don't think to yourself, 'Oh, I need to be more careful and plan ahead next time so this never happens again!' You think, instead, that 'Aw, shit, I ran out of gas and need to find some, fast!'

For alot of clients I work with, older men and women who find themselves needing this or that, they ran out of gas so to speak, and they need someone to come along with a gas can of sorts and help 'em out.

I used to get pissy about this sort of thing. "Why don't they plan, so this doesn't happen?" I would think to myself. But, life doesn't work that way. Life happens and sometimes, it makes a big, old, lumpy-ass mess.

It just seems so lop sided. As I toss out countless empty shampoo bottles from showers that I am cleaning, throw out bags and bags of trash, I realize how there are clients out there wishing that they had a bottle of shampoo, or that they had enough shit to throw away! I guess what I am saying is:

We Have Too Much Shit and Need to Share our Shit With Others!

There, I feel better. So, this weekend, I am going to clean out the garage. I have an overabundance of this and that, and it is going to go to people that need a this or a half dozen of that. I sure as hell don't need all that I have.

Later, I found myself watching 'Hoarders'. Oh, how revolting. People living in mountains of trash and fecal matter, usually of the feline variety. Mountains of shit, literally. And, their bizarre attachment to all their stuff, is even stranger still.

Our society is just really messed up, when it comes to stuff. We have either wayyyy too much, or not nearly enough.

See? This is why I mopped with such purpose. It just made me mad.

So, could it possibly be that, Sunday would mark my 22nd wedding anniversary? That the smell of fall makes me think of when I met Gordon, in the fall? Or, that I see the color of leaves and think of the Ozarks, where we honeymooned? Or, that no one seems to even remember this, this important aspect of my life, that I loved a man for 23 years and I will never see him again? Could THAT be where this weird thought process is coming from?

Uh, I think so. Not sure, but, probably. Crap.

I heard someone tonight describe this as a 'Grief Burst'. Yep. That is what this is. A momentary lapse in rational thought and longing for our loved one who has died flattens us.

God, I miss Gordon. I imagine that were he alive, he'd be listening to me go on and on, or, at least pretending to, and then he'd kiss me and say, "I'm sorry, hon". And, I'd feel better.

I miss getting better, that way.