Handing over the keys

I handed the keys to my son tonight. So strange to do that; we had to bring his birth certificate when he went to get his license. And, it was strange to read that piece of paper, and remember the moment he was born. And, seeing my signature; I was so proud to write my name on that certificate. And, then seeing Gordon's name, birthday, etc. etc. And, then, handing my son the keys to what was once his dad's car. I spent a few hours alone; daughter was at the movies. So, it was just me. And, I have to get used to that happening. It will happen. But, I have to admit that had Gordon been here, I'd have been happy to have time for just the two of us. So, I bought three magazines, to have something to do (like my dirty house isn't enough to do) while I was alone. I felt really old.

16 years is a long time. Boy, they were hard years, too. Tomorrow will be the 18th anniversary of my first date with Gordon. Somehow, that feels like it was much much longer ago than that. I don't even recognize the woman I was then. Over the last year and a half, I don't register that I am still a woman, with a nice smile and pretty eyes. I see a woman who has just lost sight of who she is. Breast cancer and loss have taken a toll on me. I'm not immune to it. It shows!

So, at the therapist, we talked about the notion of caring for myself. That eating better and moving more will add to my life. I have to frame it in such as way that it's not 'loss' but 'gain'. I think that is why the job situation is so messy; if I feel like something else has been taken away from me, who knows what will happen. And, instead, I need to look at what I could gain from going forward into a new chapter.

Well, that's about it for tonight.