Presents are wrapped, candles lit. We are waiting to go to church at midnight. I'm a little afraid of going; I am feeling really really emotional and don't want to burst at church. But, of course, there's nothing wrong with that.
I've been trying to find pictures of Gordons family, and can't find any. I think Gordon threw them away. His nephew has asked for some, to put together a gift for his dad. But, I think Gordon threw them away. And, of course, looking through pictures, I have been inundated with our past, when kids' pictures included four people, not three, when birthday cakes and cards reflected his birthday..... it's like I can't believe I had that life, where I could snuggle in bed with him, and he'd reach out to me and say, 'I love you, Rose'. I'll never hear that again. It's quite selfish of me to want that again, I suppose. I yearn to have that feeling again, of feeling loved and cared for. I know I have people that love me, but, he cared for me, he was my rock. Now, I'm the rock.
Well, this is depressing, and I don't like sharing depressing stuff on here. If anyone is reading this, I do hope you have a nice holiday, with those that love you and who you love as well.
2 comments:
Oh, I love your blog, depressing or not!! Hope you had a wonderful holiday.
it's your blog. your space to be as depressing or as joyous as you want, as you feel in that moment.
i hope you read this - your post - nearly three years later as it is now, and you're glad you were open and honest about what you were feeling.
because you'll have a true picture of how things were, and you can learn and grow from that.
painful truths from the past have helped me more than i can say.
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