Layers....
Today I was visiting with a co-worker about names, and I said aloud that I have thought about changing my last name, to my maiden name or changing my middle name to my maiden name and I found the whole statement extremely sad. I said, 'I guess because I am no longer married, I have no need to keep his name'. The words kind of hung there in the air, full of meaning and implication. I have no use for his name?
What's in a name? A whole helluva lot. I wish I could find another name, a name that spelled the us that became all of us, that once were a one and a one, then became a two, then from two a three and a four.... but now, a three..... I feel so sad that there is no longer an us but more of a we....
And, don't get me wrong: I like the we. I rejoice in the we. Thank god for the we, because without the we, there would only be me and I would not survive the division. I really wouldn't. But, what am I? I am a mother and a sister and a daughter and a friend, but am I a wife anymore? I guess that is up to me, but perhaps it is time to let that go now.... I'll never know, unless I let it go.
I was so hoping that I'd reach the heart of the onion, that all of the layers of this loss had been peeled back and I'd finally found the heart of things. But, just when I think I've made it, another layer appears. Dammit. Dammit.
I am no longer a wife. This is the layer I have to shed. Gordon doesn't need my anymore. I no longer have to understand him, to care for him, to wait for him, and most of all, I can't help him anymore. He's long gone, far far ahead of me, or,am I far ahead of him? I guess that would make a huge difference in how I view things. Am I ahead of him, or, is it the reverse?
To survive this life and live and love and learn and lead and any other l word I can think of.... I need to be above him, moving forward..... and leave him be. I need to leave him be and keep on moving. I've stood by him long enough and have spent many many years looking at life from his perspective. I've seen enough. I don't want to be there anymore.
1 comment:
I think it is important to do what would give you peace. I haven't been in your situation, but I always think that if something happens to my husband, I would keep his name, because it is a part of our lives together. However, each person makes their own choices. Maybe you feel that by changing your name, it will allow you to have a fresh start. I think that would be very good for you.
Just remember, changing your name back to your maiden name won't make the hurt go away or won't make things suddenly better. If you just want to change your name for those reasons, I don't think it will help you.
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