Shoulders and Hands

I was having a pretty good day yesterday but then while shopping with daughter and friend, I ran into my friend, Lori, who said that I looked swollen. And, this isn't an unusual thing to say to me. Since my breast cancer surgery almost 3 years ago, in which 17 nodes were removed from my left side, I swell up. Some women swell a bit in the arm on the affected side, but, of course, my case is unsual, because I've had cancer before, and the scarring and lack of nodes make me swell up, even in my face. Attractive, huh? And, so, this is my blog... the shame spiral took off and went crazy....

Money. I measure myself against my bank acount, the number on the scale, the number of loves I've had..... what else can I measure up against? For some reason, this coment, from my closest friend, 'You Look Swollen' left me feeling more depressed than usual.

It didn't help that it was a cloudy, kind of humid day. Weird friggin weather. It didn't fit the weather we should be having. It didn't help that the kids and I are at each other's throats most of the time. I'm simply off track.

I know what I want..... a very long hug, in the arms of my lover, that is what I want. Problem is, there is no longer a lover. I miss being loved. That sounds rather self involved, but, it's true. Those simple movements of dropping one's head on the shoulder of another, of reaching out to hold the hand of another, of warming up next to another.... I had it at my disposal. The movements were almost involuntary, it just happened. I felt like a hug? Bam, had one. I felt like hugging him? Bam, I just did it. I wanted to hold hands, he wanted to hold hands? No problem. There were hands there to hold. A shoulder to cry on.

I've been told by said friend that I need to love myself and find value in me. I'm simply tired of me. I'm tired of the monotony of my life. Tonight, was alone in the house. And, it was a long night. Alone with myself is sometimes, not the best place to be.

Went to a birthday party of a neighbor's baby. 1 year old kid. 80 people invited. Incredible party, for a 1 year old. Of course, it was more than that. It was this couple's gesture of thanks to all of their friends and family. I could not wait to get out of there. Making small talk with neighbors, who clearly don't like me, and, I guess I'm not all that wild about them..... I decided I'd limit the rest of my time on earth in these kinds of circumstances to a minimum. I've spent the better part of my life doing whatever it takes, to be kind and keeping things flowing. Well, screw it. I no longer have a shoulder to cry on and no hand to hold.