Saving them

Well, so much for going to bed on time. I wanna talk about my brother in law, Todd. It was about this time of year, about 5 years before Gordon took his life, that his brother, Todd, took his. We had had a wonderful Christmas, and got a call early one morning from the apartment manager that his body had been discovered in his apartment. I had to call Gordon to tell him. We went to his apartment. It was a horrible scene. His brother was mentally ill, in a more noticeable way. I guess what I mean is that he didn't hold a job, seemed to act a little strange. He overdosed. I was surprised at Gordon's reaction. He had almost universally rejected him, never inviting him over, cutting short phone conversations. He always said he knew that Todd would eventually kill himself. And, it was kind of a given. When he did, he was not surprised that he had done it, but, Gordon went into a deep depression. And, I remeber being very worried that it might happen someday. But, Gordon was 'different'. He had a wife, two kids, a home, a respectable job. He had a car.... he didn't look crazy... but, little did I know, Gordon was very sick, too. Gordon knew that, and kept it at bay as long as he could.

Here is what scares me: how long can we keep things at bay? Is it inevitable that I die of cancer, since I've had it twice? Is it inevitable that my kids will be mentally ill, or will have breast cancer? I guess that is what exhausts me, keeping things at bay. I feel as though these big, bad things, cancer, mental illness, are there, waiting to take them, waiting to destroy them. But, I'm holding that door closed. I don't want them touched anymore than they already have been. Poor Todd. I wish I could say that it was because he didn't have kids, or a wife.. but, see? It didn't matter. It happened to Gordon, too. I guess one way that I think I successfully dodge this is getting as many people involved in our lives as possible. The more people invested in us, the harder it is for us to drown. Gordon, though, pushed people away. I was his best friend, his only friend. That was tremendous pressure.

Todd was a kind soul, though. And, I hope that Gordon and Todd are healthy men now, able to know their potential. I miss them both, especially Gordon. I just wish we could have saved him.