Get Busy Living, or Get Busy Dying

Maybe it was the Christmas card that was returned 'undeliverable' from my now- late brother in law, or, maybe it was the Biggest Loser, Family Edition that was on, or, maybe it was the Oprah episode of the woman who had lost 300 lbs., or, maybe it was the woman on Dr. Phil that weighed nearly the same as me, and I saw what she looked like, or, maybe it was my almost 12 year old daughter announcing that she never wanted to 'feel 200 lbs.'.... I see these all as signs that today is THE day to get busy.

Food has been our comfort. It has been for a long long while. A well stocked fridge spelled success to me; I felt like I was secure if the fridge was well stocked. During an especially stressful day, I'd envision the brownie or doughnut awaiting me at home, kind of like a martini. That's how I view food, at least, now I can admit it. I've been hiding behind the 'I'm recovering from severe grief' for long enough. I'm ready to really recover and move from the plus/maternity section to the regular folks section. I have to admit I am powerless when it comes to food. Food is a substance abuse to me. Long before there was a Gordon or the kids, there was food and me and we have had a sick relationship since the beginning. I admit it. I recite the Serenity Prayer every morning and every night. There's a reason for it. I am powerless, and what I can change, are the things I have in my fridge or in my kitchen.

So, tonight, with the kids blessing and applause (how sad!) I threw out all the processed food, all the stuff that spells trouble. Believe me, tossing a package of brownies, unopened in the trash, was hard. Would I throw $4.00 in the trash? Well, no, but, that $4.00 doesn't belong on my already compromised body. Macaroni and cheese? Please. I've had enough. And, the gallon bucket of chocolate chip ice cream? Bye bye. That is truth. Truth hurts, but, it will also set me free.

I don't want my daughter to hate her body, already. And, she does. I can see it. I told her and her brother that they have the advantage of their dad's good genes. He was a talented athlete and had great promise. I want them to experience the rush he felt running or tackling or dribbling or skiing, whatever. They have the loathing their own body already. Both are overweight. But, now it's time to stand up and do something GOOD.

The sad part for me is that I felt like a drunk flushing bottles down the drain. So, I know this is a problem. It's a substance abuse problem. Food is my drug. And, I have to come to terms with it. I even balanced the checkbook. It's all connected, the putting the balancing off as long as possible, not writing things down, etc. etc. It's all the same. I feel as though the lord is saying, 'time to get real, Rose, and I'll help you through it'. I'm going to do this.

I love myself and my kids too much not to do this. I know that tomorrow may be harder, but, I have to focus on 'right now'. Tomorrow will come on its' own. Now is all I have control over.