Rummage and Castles

New sheets, new towels, even a new shower curtain. A made bed, lit candles, no dull hum of the television. All of this, just for me. For no one else. Just for me. Am I worth it?

I am struggling again with the doubts and despairs of my life. I am laying blame on myself again, for everything, for staying, not staying, for speaking, not speaking, etc. etc. I play out all of the events that led to his death and I think because I am me, it is easy to blame. I'm here, so, I might as well take the blame. Well, that doesn't work. It isn't always about blame. Our entire culture focuses on blame rather than accepting things as they are. Maybe I am a mathemetician or statistician and just don't know it yet.

Daughter got her term paper back; she's in 6th grade, and this teacher is really tearing this thing apart. Granted, it's not a great paper, but, for god's sake, she is just a kid. I just want to strangle this woman and tell her, again, and again,'She's been through more than you'll EVER go through! Enough!' She's just a kid! Not writing a coherent paper on a topic she didn't choose is not the end of the world. It's just 6th grade. And, the topic is castles. Castles. Who cares. I mean, c'mon.

I know, life goes on, and it's all about writing papers on castles. Everyday has an activity or responsibility or two that is about that important. But, here's the thing: once a person realizes what IS important, the last thing that should be going on is wasting MORE time doing things that won't amount to much. She is already a better writer than most of the kids at the tutoring center. I like her voice, her ideas, her own style. I just want this woman to cut her some serious slack. One more week. Just one more week. Then, she is done with this school. I am so so glad.

I never felt a part of this school. Is it the diamond studded earrings worn at PTO meetings? Or, is it the giant urban assasult vehicles parked along the curbe leading to the school? I feel like an alien at this school. I am more interested in helping kids help themselves instead of turning them into these little stuff shirted robots. I'm looking forward to junior high for her. It will be fine. In fact, I suspect it will be great. We can put that part of life behind her, and move forward.

The garage sale is this upcoming week. I love going through rummage. The shit that people drag around with them! Good lord. I was going through these piles and piles of nicely hung slacks and dress shirts that someone had donated, and thought about all of the time it took to hang everything up and to have things pressed. And, what is the end result? They end up on a hanger in a stranger's garage, next to boxes of old shoes. What a waste. So must waste!

I wish I had a job where I wore a uniform. It would take the guess work out of things. I get tired of finding outfits with a theme. I am moving through this life, not actively seeking the company of others, but living life for me, for the kids. I don't give a fig if my outfit matches. It will be clean, and it won't be wrinkled. And, that's all I can promise. Nothing more. The world hasn't offered me much reason for more than that.

Our church now has a service at 5:30 on Sundays. Big change for a lutheran church. I like it. I wore jeans, a sweatshirt, and crocs. Taking communion in crocs was cool. Jesus doesn't care what shoes we wear. I felt like the environment was more real. Looking forward to it.

Life has to be about something. If it isn't, then forget it. At Walmart, I looked at all of the shit that they sell and realized it's all so fruitless. What is the point of acquiring so much shit? All to end up in a rummage sale, marked for sale at 25 cents.