Time to Rest

The Relay is Over. I can't believe the stress I put myself through for this event. I look around to the other people there and don't see the pained expressions I feel. Why do I participate? Why do I expect members of my team, to understand? What I know, is that surviving the actual moment of being told something in my body was destroying it, and, that I would have to reach outside of my self to destroy it, that moment, and surviving it, twice, I consider the biggest achievement in my life, so far. Speaking to other survivors last night, they knew what I was talking about, what I was thinking about, before I even said anything. The notion that life could end without your permission, is a staggering reality.

The rows and rows and rows of luminaries.... overwhelming. Thousands of them. Little paper sacks, with a small candle used for illumination; the waxy paper sacks decorated with flowers, geometric patterns, crayons, paints, ribbon.. "I miss you, grandma.... I love you, darling...... I miss you, daddy'..it was hard to read them and continue walking.

This is my third year of doing this. We raised about $900. That's about 1/3 of one chemo treatment. Or, that is two good prosthetic breasts, or, 5 bras. It's the same as 1/2 of one radiation treatment. I guess it is for these reasons, I'm a little disappointed. What could one relay accomplish? Is it about money, one of the teammates said? Well, yeah, it is. Money gets things done. Money, despite its' evil, can make things better. All of us acknowledging, in one spot, the enormous pain of cancer, is a good thing. How could it not be?

We just don't like facing the pain. Sometimes, pain = truth. And, for that reason, people scurry.

We left at 2:30. There were 3 of us left. And, of the three, I had spent a lot of time living the cancer life, my sister had been with me, living the cancer life, and my friend, who accompanied me to every single treatment, and spent every moment she could, at her beloved aunts' side, and witnessed her death.... we were the only ones left. I'm not passing judgment. But, I felt like, we'd paid enough already. It was time for us to go home and rest. Get some rest. Let the others continue.

I'm glad its' over. I am glad that Diane's aunt is no longer in pain. I'm glad I no longer have to go to treatment. I am glad I don't have to rally the troops for a battle I had to fight. I'm gonna rest now.