Creepy

While I walked in the parade today waving to a blur of people, smiling wide, for 2 1/2 miles I decided a few things: I'll never put so much effort into something that proves so little to my own little family. I looked at my son, driving the van, that he helped paint green. I watched my daughter, handing out candy to strangers, being a good steward. And, I thought, 'what a shitty mom, for putting your kids through all of this baloney'. Who IS this for? I suspect that it is more for me, and not at all for them.

Parades are a strange experience. I could have been handing out feces, and people would have been happy. It didn't matter. I was in a parade, they were waving and cheering us on. I MUST have been important, even though there were about 140 or so other organizations/families/groups in the parade, too.

Dad's birthday dinner was tonight. He looks great, at 76 years old. He looks better than he did at 75! I'm so lucky that he's in such good shape. I'm so grateful.

I'm also grateful for family. I counted around the table and it was so great to see everyone together. Just missed one. That's pretty good. I like having family around. I like being a part of something bigger than myself.

I've spent about 70 hours this week, working with myself, thinking of myself, how I could pace myself to get everything done. It's lonely spending time with myself, all the time. I missed the kids. I missed the idea of being with family, for the sole purpose of being together. I forgot what it felt like to enjoy myself.

I've been finding enjoyment in working and that's a little creepy