Love Never Ends

Today is the day. I didn't spontaneously combust. I didn't lose it, at least not yet.

I could venture into that room I keep in my heart where all the misery of loss is kept. I could spend time in there, roaming around the memories, the feelings I had. I could, but, I'm not going to. It's a really awful place to be and I have to get to a point where I give myself permission NOT to spend time in there.

Instead, I want to be grateful. I'm so lucky to have loved and lost instead of never loving at all. Man, I loved Gordon. And, he loved me, too. I knew it. He told others, too. He wasn't afraid to tell others. I wasn't afraid to admit it. Our two kids that we made together, knew we loved one another. They knew they were made because of love. That is a gift that will keep on giving, forever and ever.

I have to say that one of my hopes was growing old with the 'old Gordon', the one that laughed and told funny jokes and liked to play softball and poker and cheered the hawks. That was the Gordon I loved so so much. I wanted to grow old and travel across the country in an RV with him, two funny old people. We joked about that, travelling across the country in an RV. We'd joke that we hoped we'd die in a freak accident, from overexertion during a night of passion, at the ripe old age of 102 :)

I think Gordon wanted to grow old with that Gordon, too. But, that Gordon was long gone. And, the one that was left, was so very lost. He was lost in darkness. How awful that was for him, and how awful it was for those of us on the outside that loved him.

I've got that little candle going, the one I ordered just for me. It smells wonderful (lemon lavendar). I'll burn it bright all day and think of Gordon. I'll connect to the Gordon that was full of life and promise. He did exist at one time. And, it was that Gordon that I need to think of.

I feel him here with me today and know that he's there, and he's ok. I just know it. And, perhaps he needs to know that I am ok, too.

Someday, we'll be together again. How could love NOT be eternal? That's the promise, isn't it? Love Never Ends.