I'm drawn to writing today, with so much on my mind, swimming around, thoughts bumping into one another. I wish it were as easy as a word, like, sad or lonely or bored or worried or full. But it's all of the above, it's the end of the week blues where I'm hit with the realization of everything that didn't get done, still waiting to get done, and me being the one that has to get it done. I hate that.
I drive around doing errands and note that everyone else appears to be in control, buying groceries from a neat written list; washing their cars and filling their gas tanks; balancing their checkbook after every check is written. All of this stuff that is supposed to happen but, still for me, is so hard to get done. I'm still lost watching the rest of the world deal with the rest of the world in an orderly, normal fashion.
What I do know from a review of last week and the highlights of this week: I need to be around people who love me and who I love and who don't need me to do something for them. I had my girlfriends over for a jewelry party, and the party started at 6:00 and they left at 11:00. We laughed and I smiled for hours and hours and hours. Oh, how I love these ladies. They have been a part of my life for 20 plus years and love me, no matterwhat I am doing. I felt like I was being recharged like my camera battery by their stories and laughter and smiles.
The reality of my life drains me. Cleaning toilets and vaccuuming carpet and trying to save the tutoring center, alone, in the basement of a church and then coming home to animals that didn't quite make it to the litterbox and laundry piled high and bills needing to be paid... it's killing me. It's all killing me. I have to dig deeper inside to find a smile and to hear my own laughter.
After a dose of laughter and smiles and companionship with my friends, I see things so much more clearly. I deserve more. I deserve to work in a place where people laugh and talk and argue and get along. I am fighting an invisible enemy, losing the center one day at a time. I can't do this anymore. If it means selling the house and finding something cheaper, so be it. Big deal. A house. I spend no time in this house, except at the end of the day, and I grumble when I make the house payment.
I need to call some shots in my life. I can't wait for something else to happen TO me. The job interview tomorrow is a step in the right direction. It will not cure all of my ills, but, it will mean me taking control of the steering wheel. The board meeting the other night was disastrous. I wantedo so badly to stand up and say, 'let's just close this place and be done with it!' but, instead if faked it. I can't fake it much longer. These people don't believe in the place and it shows.
I hope that next week is a better week, but, instead of hoping for it to be, I need to be make it that way. I do have control, a little bit, anyway. My goal will be to do at least one thing a day that I want to do: eat a candybar, wear a skirt, take a walk, something, for me, and me alone. I hope I can do it. It will require me to live out of my comfort zone.
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