I Hate You

'I Hate You, I really, really hate you' her daughter says to her on a regular basis. At least that is what the woman tonight told the rest of us. Her daughter is struggling. Her own father died by suicide about a year ago and as a young girl, she's left to try and make sense of such a complicated act. Hearing her mom talk about how her daughter was saying this to her on a regular basis made me realize why she says it. Try saying the following: 'I hate you, I really, really do'. Now, say the following: 'I love you, I really, really do and never want anything to happen to you'. What feels less scary to say? At least for me, the hate one is easier, and can be full of passion despite the coarseness of the words.

She needs to say 'I Hate you' because saying, 'mom, I love you as much as I loved dad and look what he did, despite the love I had for him!' would be horrific and leave her feeling raw. This whole love thing, loving someone, comes with a price. There's constant possibility that that love that we feel for the other, can be snatched from us with an untimely death, a car accident, a suicide, whatever. And, having love taken away from us has a sting unlike any other. Love hurts, for sure.

So the center is all but a memory now. Piles of boxes and old manuals and reports are strewn all over the tiny dusty office. I can't wait for it to be over with. I'm afraid, though. Now what? Cleaning and free falling in a way. A nice, orderly paycheck every other week has sure been nice. Need to go to the doctor? No problem: call and make an appointment. That easy. Now, not so much.

Son is having two schools fight for his attention. Both are expensive and both will take him away from our little family. Both will be so great for him. One would take him much further than the other. Tough decisions. I find I just want to spend as much time with him as I can. I want to just drink it all up. Oh, how I love my kids! It's almost painful sometimes. I want to build a big, protective fence around them, allowing them to still experience life but, to be protected from the inevitable disappointments, fears, trials, worries, loneliness. But, I can't do that.

I need to eliminate some pets and need to, soon. It's getting too crowded with tails and barks and scratches, etc. I think at one point I needed to take care of all of them, but, not so much now. I can't abandon them, though. I wish I could snap my fingers and all of them would have new, happy, well-adjusted homes.

Oh, boy.

I hate you? I love you? Maybe I won't say either.