Fear: The Alpha Emotion

I wish I had the computer savvy to insert pics and links and all that sort of thing to make my blog more like a magazine, rather than a therapy session. Maybe I'll work on that, now that I have nothing else to do.

So, the cleaning business is not flourishing. I had a customer quit me, giving the reason that it was too expensive (I suspect they have found someone else). I had another customer quit me for the summer with promises to start back up in the fall. I'm scared that this isn't going to work. Actually fear is the alpha emotion I'm feeling as of late.

Getting the call from the local jail from my son was a low point. He was drunk. He hit a parked car, and drove home. Hearing the police at the door at 2 a.m. was a moment of panic for me, as the last time I heard that it was the worst news of my life.

I'm unnerved by the lack of fear in my son's demeanor. He's in love. Life is good. Don't drag me down, mom, he says. He says he fights to stay positive and that I insist on focusing on the negative. But, I can't help it. There is negative there, all of the time. He also has a point, I guess. His court appearance is at the end of the month.

What if I can't do this? What if I can't make this dumb little job, work? I'm holding on to the promise of school, which I am so looking forward to. I'm looking forward to learning new things and developing a new future for myself. I'm anxious to hear about the severance from my job. No, not anxious, that isn't the right word: I'm getting really frustrated waiting for news on the severance. I just need to know! I just need to know. Why won't they tell me?

I have to focus on the now, not the past, not the future. All that whooey. Before long, he'll be away in school and I'll miss him. I'll be painting over his vivid red walls with a neutral shade of green for myself. That makes me sad.

Going to the Root of the Problem

Tomorrow I have a root canal and a crown put in. Whoopee! While some people are cheering on the hawks or enjoying spring break on a beach, I'll be having my mouth worked on.

After 80 treatments of radiation, at age 20 and then 40 and then two bouts of cancer with lotsa chemo, my salivary glands have been damaged. And, that means not enough spit. And, if I don't have enough spit, then major league cavities develop and things go south from there. So, as I survive two bouts of cancer, I continue to find out the price of this survival. And, tomorrow I'll deal with it. But, that's ok. A few hours in the dentist chair is a small price to pay.

Speaking of pay... the rug cleaning business is going well. What a bizarre thing to do, but, heck, why not? The kids and I have been working hard cleaning the house, doing laundry, etc. Daugher and I fixed dinner together. No messes with the animals. Good day.