Super Trooper

The setting was so obvious. I know that it was planned to meet, in a public place so that any kind of 'scene' is averted. The first words out of his mouth were 'you need to put all of your energy into finding another job and that has to be your number 1 priority'. And, the next thing I remember is my reaction, which has always been my reaction in times of shitty news. I am graceful and composed and take it in, 'like a trooper'.

I make things too easy for the other guy. Much too easy. I know this goes wayyy back. I know being the child of an alcoholic mother means I learned this behavior to keep things smooth and flowing. Don't rock the boat. Whatever you do, don't rock the boat. His experience was smooth sailing. I made sure of it, just like I always do.

So, the job I was meant to have, the center I cared for like my own kid, has been or will be, taken from me. 700 clients over 4 years. 130 tutors. Doesn't matter. We tutored anyone that needed it. Didn't matter. They could only afford a few bucks? I paid the rest, or, we just made it work. It didn't matter. I felt like here was a resource that we had, and they needed it. Put the two together. That is what you are supposed to do, right?

But, money got in the way. The funding source said, 'we have invested 10s of thousands of dollars into it'. And, I am supposed to say what to that? So what? And, it helped a lot of people. It was a good investment. I want to make sure that they know that. It wasn't all for naught. I don't want it to be that it helped a widow for a year. It helped 700 people.

That's the problem with this picture. They never saw this in action. They were noticably absent from witnessing people coming to the center, meeting with a tutor, and leaving. They just came to the occasional meeting, asking for 'the numbers'. Never once taking the time to come to a fundraiser or talk to a client. Not once.

Part of me wants to take all of the stuff and continue the tutoring on the side. I know how, and am darn good at it. I'd like to continue. I'm most definitely going to make sure that the clients we have, are cared for.

It's 2 in the morning. Can't sleep. Carpet smells like pee. I hate this carpet. I want to rip it all up. I think I might, while I can afford it.

I'm feeling as though I've been stripped of yet another thing. What in the hell is going on? The next thing will be my house, or, car, or pets.... who knows. Why in the world can't I continue this job? I just don't understand.

I am supposed to have 'nibbles' tomorrow night for the board meeting, and then they are going into 'executive session' which means I'll leave while they talk about me. Great fun that will be. I need to practice doing something that makes someone feel just a little uneasy. I hope that tomorrow night, someone ELSE has a shitty time, and not me.

I am going to take some time off. And, I am not going to work 60 hours a week. I'm going to become the drone that everyone else is, I guess. 40 hours. Rock to boat, ruin a few people's day, just like a normal person.

I am sick of Oprah. I think her new set looks awful. She made such a big deal about donating 10 million dollars. That's change to her. I asked her for money for our center. It's not like I need a million dollars, just 60 grand or so, to get things moving.

I cannot be awake at 3 a.m. That is so much worse than 2.