Ebbs and Flows

Ebb and flow. What is an 'ebb'? If it's a big fat knot that clogs things, then, that makes sense. Not much is flowing these days for me but tears. Lots of tears. In the car tonight, I actually yelled, alone. I felt really dumb doing that, but, it just came out. I suspect that is better than yelling AT someone. I'm not flowing, but feeling clogged by things that may never allow me to flow again. I spent the weekend full of guilt. Our anniversary would have been this upcoming weekend. We would have been married 17 years. Would have. But, weren't. Received a book/journal of my late sister's this week. I haven't heard her voice since May, 2003. Another would have.... reading her journal entries, I recognized her personal ebb and flows. And, was struck my the similar experiences we had, but never got around to sharing. Some of the experiences she had, I hadn't yet had. I wish I'd had had the opportunity to share with her.

Kids are out of sorts, too. We're all off-track. Is it the change of season, the red and green creeping into stores? The trio of holidays staring us down? How in the world does my dad, flow? He's lost a wife, and two children, and both of his parents. How does he get up every morning and sound so chipper? Is he wracked with crying jags and does he yell in his car? What's it like to be him? Is there a way for me to find out, without him talking AT me, but, with me? I really wanna know. How can we park the grandstanding at the door, and be real with one another? How do I do that? I don't want him to feel like he has to censure himself. Just be real with me.

The Maple Leaf is this weekend, too. Maybe that will lift my spirits. Maybe my spirits need to be just where they are and so do the kids.