My truth for tonight

It's a cold night in Kansas. And, added to this fact, it is a Saturday night.

It used to be that even a cold Saturday Kansas night wasn't bad; I had him and he had me. That was all that was needed: each other. Just knowing that truly we weren't alone on a Saturday night, meant something.

I feel a bit like I've just washed up on shore, tattered and tired. That's the only way I can explain it. Such a long week. Lots of slick streets and dirty houses and bills to add up and laundry to be folded. I'm tired, really tired of all of it. Just so tired.

I try and stay focused on the fact that in the future, I won't have this house to pay for; that the elusive degree will have been completed; that the carpet in my bedroom will be paid for; that the bankruptcy will finally be discharged and that the new job, whatever that ends up being, will be had. I keep trying to focus on that.

But, I feel lost tonight. I know that a phone call from my sister, Ann, or my brother Sam, or getting a hug from my husband, Gordon would be all that was needed to stop this sadness. But, they aren't here anymore. I sometimes wish I could sit upright and scream to the world that I miss them all so much! But, like everyone doesn't miss someone!

I spent the day with one of my closest friends. We had lunch and watched movies. It was nice being together. But, even that wasn't enough. What I wanted to share with her was how incredibly sad I feel inside. I wanted to stop the movie and say, 'Oh, man, I'm so blue and so sad!' But, of course I didn't do that. And, even if I could, what could she do? And, as a dutiful friend, she'd want to do something to help. But, not a thing.

I guess, given that I'm imagining things, would be nice is having had her say, 'yeah, and I remember Gordon, this way, or what way, or, tell me about Sam, what was he like? or, Ann... I'm so glad I met her, tell me about her' That's alot to expect from a friend.

What I'm most cozy with this evening are all of my failures and losses. Funny how a cold, snowy evening can only conjure up loss. But, that's what I'm feeling. I'm so fortunate in so many ways ... I know that. But, the heck with it. This is my truth for tonight.