14 Hours

For 14 hours, I didn't know if I had cancer or not. I won't go into the mundane details, except to say that for a period of time in the last 24 hours, I felt as though a force bigger and sinister was calling the shots. And, I didn't like it, and it made me feel very weak.

One alternative was to 'go there', in my head, imagining chemo again and hair falling out and medicines and awful tastes in my mouth and fatigue that permeated every inch of my body. I could have gone to that place, where my recent companions are nurses and doctors and my car can nearly drive itself directly to the hospital for treatment. I could have gone to that place and felt very very awful and scared. But, this time, I didn't go there. Something changed. A force bigger than fear was calling the shots. I decided that it wasn't in my best interest, to go to a place, I may not end up being invited to. So, I waited and decided what was best, was to get some rest and pray. And, so I did both.

Prayer and rest. In the 'old days', I'd have considered both of these actions as, well, lame. In the old days, I would have insisted that I get in there and decide what was going to happen, or, rather, I'd react to what was happening to me. And, I'd react, react, react. No action, just, re-action.

What I've learned this year is that sometimes, what is best is to leave it alone. Just leave it alone and let things fall where they may. Quit trying to change the course of something. That isn't to say that if I had been given the news that the tests were positive that I wouldn't fight like the devil himself, but, sometimes, just leave it ... alone.

I'm feeling pretty humbled by everything. I'm learning that, the more that I let go, the better. Now it's time to rest.